giaifonly

If Only…
By Gia C. Manalio
www.lifeissurreal.com

   “I don’t understand why this is so damn important to you. Will you at least slow down?”

   The car is speeding down the highway at an insane speed, yet my question is more of a
comment stemming from boredom than anything else. We have been driving for a while. I
mean, I don’t really have to ask the question. I know damn well why we are speeding down the
highway. I know why he isn’t slowing down. Even though he isn’t willing to tell me…or at least
not yet…I know why this is so important.

   “Jesus Christ, Billy, forget about her. Come on, she left. It sucks but she left. It’s not like
you didn’t expect it to happen anyway. In fact, it’s even what you wanted, right? Come on,
how many times did you tell me that you just weren’t happy? Look…” I put my hand on his
leg. I’m thinking that I should feel sexual about this. I don’t - Billy is my best friend - there’s
nothing more. His leg tenses because of my words. This touch is not sexual for him either. No
surprise.

   I actually can’t believe I am hearing myself say these things. This isn’t the game. This isn't
what he needs me to say - at least that’s what he is thinking. But perhaps there is a reason
that this is what everyone always says.

   “I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you are going to have to face it and move on. She’s gone,
Billy. She’s gone and there’s nothing you can do about it. But sweetie, it’s going to get
easier. For real.”

   “You don’t know her, Claire. You all think you know her, but you don’t. She just didn’t feel
how much I love her, she’ll know now. She’ll know as soon as I go get her and tell her.”

   “Billy, you’re driving 100 miles to her lover’s house.”

   “It’s just a fling. A rebound thing.”

   There it is. What can I say? I want to tell him that he’s right. That all he needs to do is go
there and tell her how he feels. That it’s all a big misunderstanding and she is just confused
and once she sees him again, it will all become clear to her. That time has shown her what a
mistake she made when she left. That other guy - he’s just a distraction. At night when she
lies in bed with him, she’s thinking about Billy. At work, she stares out the window of her office
and thinks about him. About his smile. About his lips (she always loved his lips). About
holding him. That Billy is the only person in the world to her and she absolutely cannot live
without him.

   I want to believe this for him. I know how badly he needs to believe this and how it just
seems so possible to him. If I can believe it, perhaps it can happen. Perhaps I can will it to
happen.

   But I cannot believe it no matter how hard I try. And I know what is going to happen if we
actually arrive at the house.

   And I wonder if this is what people feel when they say those words that I can hear myself
saying. When they refuse to play the game that I so desperately need them to play.

   “Okay, Billy. You need to slow down. Look. I wish I could tell you that you’re going to get
there and she’ll be standing in his driveway with open arms, suitcases at her feet, Billy. I so
want to tell you that she will. I think I need her to be there almost as much as you do. But she
won’t. What do you think is really going to happen when you get down there? What if she’s
not even there? What if he is? I’m not sure that, ‘Hi, Jim, I just drove 100 miles to steal back
my girlfriend against her will’ is really going to make a good impression on the guy.”

   “I don’t want to make a good impression on him. I don’t care if he rots in Hell. Although I
almost feel sorry for him. I mean, Audrey is a great girl, what guy wouldn’t fall for her? And
when she comes off this little trip she’s on and realizes that Jim is nothing but a mistake and
she needs to come back to me, he’s going to be devastated.”

   He doesn’t even have to continue. I know what he is going to say before it comes out of his
mouth. I feel the pain in his head. I feel his heart racing so that he almost can’t catch his
breath. I feel his stomach turning as if he’s stuck on one of those teacup rides at the
amusement park and he’s screaming as loud as he can and he’s holding on as tight as he can
and the ride just won’t stop and he tries to make it stop by closing his eyes but the spinning
gets faster and the screaming gets louder…

   “Billy, please…stop this. You have to stop this.”

   “And thank you for your support. I knew I had good reasons for asking you to come along.”

   “You mean other than for my car. Billy, listen, just stop the car and listen. Pull into this rest
area - it’ll only be a minute. I’m sure you’ll make up the time with your driving anyway.”

   And he did.

   “It’s over, Billy, it has to be over. Why do you really need to do this? What is it about her
that is making you so crazy? Were you really that happy? Is being with her really what you
want?”

   “Hey, Claire, check out that car. Arizona? How the hell could that car have made it here
from Arizona? Oh and that one. ‘This car climbed Mount Washington.’ Yeah okay, buddy,
maybe 10 years ago that car would have been able to climb Mount Washington. And check
out that sticker: ‘Grow Your Own Dope, Plant A Man.’ My God, who comes up with these
things?”

   “Billy…”

   “And, Claire, do you ever think about this? Why do they call this a rest area? Look
around. A lot of trees, a couple of garbage cans and a port-o-let. Do you see anyone really
resting here? I don’t think so. In fact, I bet these people aren’t here to rest at all - no these
people are here to pee. So really, this place should be called a pee area, not a rest area.
Don’t you think?”

   “Billy, stop it. Answer me, Billy. Is being with her what you really want?”

   “Oh, Claire, I don’t know. It was so long…so long. Five years. I thought I was happy, I
thought she was. And then one day she says ‘Sorry, Billy, there’s someone else.’ Right out of
a movie. So damn nonchalant. So damn cliché.”

   “Billy, everything is cliché.”

   “I mean, do you know, Claire? Do you have any idea? It’s like one morning you wake up
and your whole life is in place. You have it all planned out. And then with 5 little words, it’s all
gone. Look at that - 5 years, 5 words - now there’s a weird coincidence, huh?”

   Do I know? Do I have any idea? He doesn’t know just how many times I made this drive
myself. Or maybe he does and that’s why I am on this drive with him. He has plenty of friends
with cars.

    “And you don’t believe it, really. How can she say that? She is the one person who you
always thought would be there for you. She is the one person who really knew you and
accepted you for everything that you are. She accepted you…So why do I need to do this? I
don’t know. I just can’t believe that this is happening. Hell, I didn’t want to tell you this, but I
don’t even know where this guy lives. Somewhere in Asner. I just thought…I just thought that
if I talked to her, if she could see what she is putting me through...if I drove all this way for her,
that she would understand. That she would realize that she was making a mistake and she
would realize that she has to come back.”

   “Come back to what, Billy? I have seen how you are with her. I have heard how you talk
about it. We know that you have not been happy.”

   “But that was because it just wasn’t going right. It was going to get better. It was going to go
back to the way it used to be. I just needed more time to fix things - I could have fixed things.”

   “Billy, stop. Don’t do this to yourself. It wasn’t just that. You weren’t happy. You deserve
something more. Billy, you deserve to be happy.”

    “Well she’s gone now and I’m not happy.”

     “Give yourself a chance. You can’t just erase five years of your life in a month. You’ll
never erase Audrey, but you’re going to find that there are things beyond Audrey. And okay,
some of those things are really going to suck, but some aren’t. And it’s scary. And you’re not
disgusting or unworthy or a moron or a loser or ugly or boring and most of all, you’re not
alone. I know you think you are, but you’re not. Didn’t Douglas Coupland say something to
the effect of being alone isn’t as bad as it’s cracked up to be? That you get used to it? Or
maybe he said…uh, never mind.”

     “I believe he said that getting used to loneliness is one of the most terrible things that can
happen.”

   “Whatever.”

   “It’s just that I go back to the apartment and it’s so big and empty. It used to seem so
cramped when we both lived there.”

   I notice he doesn’t say cozy. “Billy, the apartment is huge. Huge, Billy. Doesn’t that say
anything to you?”

   “Claire…You hungry?”

   “What?”

   “I asked if you were hungry.”

   “Of course I’m hungry, I’m always hungry.”

   “Well, I have some really delicious vegetable lasagna in the refrigerator. I only live about 40
miles from here. Care to join me for a plate?”

   "Well, Billy, I thought you’d never ask.”