Spaghetti and Cigarette Burns D.P. Beyfuss The best time to burn yourself is when you're drunk.  So right after you've woken up your ex-girlfriend and explained that you need to get drunk because you think about her all the time, and just prior to puking marinara sauce through your nose, ram a lit cigarette into your forearm and let the putrid smell of burnt flesh coax that huge plate of pasta out of your stomach and onto the floor.  Sleep for two hours.  Wake up the next day feeling like you've slept on a large slab of cement.  (This can be accomplished by purchasing a futon.)  Wash four or five aspirin down with a very large glass of water and then wash your face.  Stick your head under the shower so you can fix your hair, and then put on whatever deodorant you've got lying around, be it Old Spice, Lady Speed Stick or Suave.   Brush your teeth to prevent tooth decay caused by stomach acid and bile.  Shake uncontrollably.  Try not to let the train ride make you sick and be sure to wonder if anyone else can smell the vomit crust inside your nose.  Keep your mouth shut no matter how bad the smell in your nose becomes, because it's nothing compared to what'll be coming out of your mouth.  Pick as much crust as you can from the corners of your eyes and watch the other commuters wince at you.  If you've never seen a person wince, this is a sure fire way to inspire wincing.  Don't fuck with stairs.  When you reach your stop, take the escalators and stand to the right.  When you get to street level walk slowly and smoke cigarettes and when you get to your building resist the overwhelming urge to turn around and run away.  Wait twenty minutes for the elevator.  Drink 17 cups of coffee.  E-mail five friends with the details of your evening, making sure to mention the vomit, the crust, and later, whatever comes out of your ass.  Go into the men's room and find out what's gonna come out of your ass.  Fix yourself as best you can and return to your desk newly inspired.  Eat something terrible for lunch; McDonald's, Burger King, Carl's Jr., any restaurant with an everyday value menu will suffice.  Feel the lethargy creep through your badly damaged body and hit the men's room a second time for the latest from your ass.   Drink five more cups of coffee and a gallon and a half of spring water.  Call your friend who doesn't have email, long distance, and tell him or her how fucked up you are and how badly you'd like to go home and go to sleep.  Do only the work that needs to be done to avoid being yelled at and then go out for your fifth cigarette of the day.  Leave work 15 minutes early and make a mental note of every attractive girl you see on the train so you'll have something to jerk off to when you get home.  Stop at the corner store and buy more aspirin.  When you get home piss, jerk off, and go to sleep for at least two hours.  Wake up, take four more aspirin and go to Kentucky Fried Chicken for a three piece meal and a biscuit.  Eat dinner while holding the TV antenna for better reception.  After dinner, smoke a bowl and then a cigarette and then take a shower.  After showering, put on whatever clothes you can find and ask your friend if he'd like to go out for (here, phrasing is important) "Just one drink."  Once he's agreed, go to the closest shitty bar you can find and drink enough gin to kill an African Elephant.  Leave at midnight.  When you get home, eat an enormous plate of spaghetti, light up a cigarette, and call your ex-girlfriend.